"Jacqueline Koh
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting around for somebody to give you flowers"
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Wednesday, October 29, 2008 || 4:29 AM

*Big sigh*
I want to go to marryatville too :(
Remembered the last time we went, it was such fun.
The enormous gobstobber, i practically cupped my hands together and lick them like a dog. The weather. The marts. The hotel. The people. The hotel-buddy. The home stay. The hot red heads. The pretty blondes. The awesome performance they put up. Walking down the streets of a place with the identity of a tourist, spending cash which looks like monopoly money. GOING TO KANGAROO ISLAND. OH MY GOSH!!!!!!
I WANT TO GO BACK THEREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :( :( :( :(

Monday, October 27, 2008 || 7:29 AM

My tuition teacher abit bastard.
Z : What school is your sister from ah?
J : Dunman High, IP programme.
Z : (looks shocked)
Z : Your brother leh?
J : Hwa Chong (gives that okay-i-know-im-lousy-stop-asking look)
Z : Oh my god! The eldest and youngest one ... Whatever happened to the middle child?
And my siblings who heard laughed at me :(
Thought this's pretty good.
"Let your heart be heavy sometimes, because carrying its weight will make your soul stronger."
Oh i need a new playlist :(
(or maybe i should opt for the faster way out and buy a rat. k inside joke)

Sunday, October 26, 2008 || 7:16 AM

Suddenly ...
I miss the times when all i had to do was to anticipate evening time, where i can go down to the park and play. Ride my bike or rollerblade or blind man buff with my childhood friends. Wonder where they're now. My maid will tug along and i'll always request 10cents from her to buy an ice pop. I remembered there was this really cute kid, and whenever his mother isn't watching, i will try to pluck out his hair. Dig sand-holes with bare hands, trying to feel for the concrete tiles... I miss the times when my mother will fetch me from school, and i will accompany her do whatever paperwork my dad asks her to, and we'll always have lunch together. Having lunch with your mother almost every day every week is really a blissful thing. Miss the times when my family goes overseas together. Even though i only have a vague memory of it, i miss it. Alot. Miss those times when my dad and mum will force me to kiss them before i go to bed. Now even though i want to, it's akward ... Miss primary school life. Miss the times when people teases me because i held shawn thomasz's hand and i remembered i had this really good friend called sean when i was pri 1 & 2. Wonder where they're all now. Miss those times when i will camp by annabella while she does her prefect duty, stopping people from using that particular staircase. Miss those times when after every extra lesson, i will head over to ariel's house and finish up all her mochi ice-cream. Miss those times that i actually had a chance to bump into my brother or sister in school. Miss those times which I had to wait (very long) for the three princesses namely Jacynda Joann & Joanna for our weekly basketball game. I miss going to the wet market with my mother, looking at her choose fishes or asking her what is this veg and what is that veg. Miss those times when i still had a mushroom-head, the very innocent me. Miss those times when me and my mother will flip through newspapers together, and i will ask her what happened and she will spend around 10 minutes to explain to me each story, and then telling me a moral behind it. Miss those times when i tugged along to fetch my siblings from tuition. Miss those times when my cousins will play football with me and i remembered i got this phobia of balls after i was selected to be (coughshard) the goal keeper and i caught the ball with my fingers straight, and blood came out from my fingernails. Miss those times when i can spend all day watching pokemon and richy rich. Miss those times when i was addicted to neopets. Miss those times when i wouldnt bother two hoots about how i look like and dock myself with whatever rags i can find in my cupboard and then run around screaming and shouting. Miss those times when all three siblings did bad and we had to queue up to get our caning punishment and when my sister cries, i will cry for her too. Miss those times when i got a chance to eat my granny's food (though it wasnt good)
are very beautiful.

Friday, October 24, 2008 || 10:14 AM

Red scribbles. Harder harder pressing more intensely. Ink seeping through pages and pages. Hands can’t be controlled but subconsciously it follows a pattern. Round round round round up down up down. I can see loose threads from the once-fine-tip.
Haha I remember ksc asking me before
‘Jacq, why are you writing so forcefully?!’
I’m really weird. I laugh at the most un-appropiate times. I laugh when teachers are scolding me. I laugh when I get into trouble, and then when I get into more trouble, I laugh some more. I laugh when I see people crying. I laugh when i'm worried i laugh when i'm scared. I realized, I just keep trying to laugh things off.

(Pictures from ages ago)

I can see denise's reflection in my eyeballlllllll!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008 || 7:40 AM

You have this aura which captures attention, sucking in hearts subconsciously.
what i know now is to appreciate the ones who really love me for who i am.
My heart isn't a stressball for you to manipulate. Don't wringe it so rough i can't breathe, and don't stretch it so much it's gonna snap. You're like the pencil and i'm like the paper. Black and white, you draw and path my emotions. Ha-ha, not anymore. Not anymore. Your words are mis-leading but i realized, when you tend to look so deep into words the real meaning is lost. Stumbling is bad, falling is worse but when you look around, there're always hands to pick you up.
This is tough
really tough.
since when do i not get through shit?
Lesson learnt.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008 || 9:44 AM

I will never have pepperlunch + mango pudding bubbletea together again. Impending stomachache + bus going really slowly = terrible terrible busride. Had to switch songs more than usual so as to soothe the stupid pain and it has been long since I listened to soft music as in volume-wise. Oh and remember the lj community I was stalking? Streetsnaps; saw this nigga with this really cute hairstyle. Cool in a funny way I suppose. CUPCAKE HAIRSTYLE!!! When I saw it I was like O.O and then I started laughing. Go check it out! Oh yes, I had this weird dream. It was alegria and ksc fusion-mix. Who the heck has got BMW-phobia? (wonders)

credits to streetsnaps

Sunday, October 19, 2008 || 4:48 AM

This is the song of the men who have no place, played by a man who has never had a place, and can therefore play it. Listen to it. You know this song, remember? This is the song you close your ears to every night, so you can sleep. This is the song you drink five martinis every evening not to hear. This is the song of the Great Loneliness that creeps in like the desert wind and dehydrates the soul. This is the song you'll listen to on the day you die. When you lay there in the bed and sweat it out, and know that all the doctors and nurses and weeping friends dont mean a thing and cant help you any, cant save you on small bitter taste of it, because you are the one thats dying and not them; when you wait for it to come and know that sleep will not evade it and martinis will not put it off and conversation will not circumvent it and hobbies will not help you to escape it; then you will hear this song and, remembering, recognize it. This song is Reality. Remember? Surely you remember?

The worst thing that can happen to you when you wake up in the morning is to remember what you've been trying to forget last night
Terrible night, I couldn't sleep. Something's tormenting me. Something very terrible.
Something very very tormenting.

Friday, October 17, 2008 || 5:19 AM

(lust ground bricks why blood crumbles clay unreal energy regrets time roads tears hidden intentions tinge earth ponders noise questionmarks)
reassurance please?
Do you think it feels like a vicious cycle? Do you view it as a bottomless pit? Do you feel like you're the victim? Do you get so confused sometimes you want to crash your skull? Do you want to shrug everything off and pretend you don't care? Do you not want to care?
I do, I do and I do
Last leap, fly high (?)
coffeeplant, grow tall :)

Thursday, October 16, 2008 || 10:07 AM

Oh gosh the world is improving too fast time please wait for meeeeee.
You know they've Ipod vending machines? No joke ...
Haha seems like singapore isn't very advanced in this field afterall.

Haha seriously, the world's gonna be ran by robots soon and uh, sigh isn't the starbucks outlet shown in the very first picture super country-like?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008 || 8:57 AM

commas come before fullstops/ after meetings come partings
Aye hmmmm.
Tuition has been really fun recently. Tutor hasn’t really portrayed himself as a tutor. Quirky English words/laughters/giggles(LOL)/expressions-on-his-face-which-changes-too-fast + guessing what a certain element’s MR is before confirming with the periodic table.
Been meeting khairi + Alvin lately. Thank you guys for the listening ear thank you guys for everything it has really been a huge load off my chest. Really. Especially khairi for being so sensitive and the reassuring hugs & texts.
Guilt-trips are seriously difficult to bear.
Studying in Nebo can be really productive minus the fact that you’ll be freezing cold so much that you’ll step out every (?) 30mins to warm your hands and re-start the whole procedure of feeling tingly pain and numb-ness across your body.
Oh yes, and successfully sold my Ipod Nano (like finally).
I've so much more to update but ... my mind's kinda blank.

(coughshard) sigh I wonder who this is.

Saturday, October 11, 2008 || 6:52 AM

I'm so effing pissed off now. I wanted to upload a picture to send to my friend so i went to my room and got my camera, and i found CRACKS on it. I didn't really bother and tried turning it on BUT IT CAN'T BE SWITCHED ON. I thought well maybe it has ran outta batt so i charged it for awhile but still, it CANT be switched on.
It was still functioning well like, 2 days ago? I wonder which idiot in the family dropped it. I suspect it's the new trainee maid cos she was the one who was cleaning the room. Oh gosh, she's sleeping already so i shall ask her tomorrow.
If it's really her, I wonder how she'll pay me back.

who am i to blame, but myself
self reminder : read Girl, Interrupted, Susanna Kaysen & Wasted, Marya Hornbacher.

Monday, October 6, 2008 || 12:53 AM

Daily snack: Wholemeal wheat Jacob's biscuits with very very generous spread of nutella. {sinful ah!}
So, i've got three blisters on my legs now.
I can't open emails & it's pissing me off.
Words can sting like anything but,
silence breaks the heart

Friday, October 3, 2008 || 7:08 AM

Riverisland. Got two henley tanks. One for mummy one for me{ I love my mum }. Got myself some taylor chucks look-alike too, and a leopard heart necklace.
I'm sorry shuyi for waiting for me while i scanned through items (a little too long)
Oh gosh haven't met this pretty babe of mine and she has became from lame to totally crippled. YOU SHOULD HEAR HER JOKES. (sigh shakeshead) We were acting like two chao ah lians sitting on staircases, talking and laughing loudly. Ha-ha we don't care we don't care.
Jie ah, you sibei lame you know? HAHA. Hope everything's gonna go fine for you.
We'll meet up more than often after my O's okay? <3
Computer's motherboard crashed and all my songs are gone. ALL MY SONGS.
(tears head apart-)
Scenario being there's a deep hole you didn't spot, and fell into it.
You need a ladder to climb up but there's no ladder. You get agitated and start to stomp in there, and you sink deeper. You stay put, but your heart cries out.
And you think perhaps, perhaps someday someone will lend you a helping hand outta here But then again, maybe you'll be stuck there forever.
/// Okay feel guilty alrd, shall go study.