"Jacqueline Koh
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting around for somebody to give you flowers"
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Tuesday, July 26, 2011 || 10:07 AM

Ah, thank god my tutorial's at 1 tomrrow so I'm able to fork some time out tonight to relay my thoughts into words.
Have been thinking about this for quite some time.

My closer friends will know that I'm someone who needs to have a particular distance from everyone and anyone. I don't relish the idea of having to account for somebody's emotions, even though this is so difficult to avoid in life.
But this doesn't mean I don't value friendship, or love. It's just that I do things in a very different manner. Of which many will misinterpret, and sometimes, on bad days, even I myself get very muddled up in my own stand and logic. I get so frustrated with myself, with how I choose to handle things.
My defense mechanism when this occurs would result in me taking a step back, or doing things which will result in the particular other party taking a step back.
Sometimes when I don't really understand something, or when I'm trying to understand myself, I take note of my conscious thoughts and reasoning, and also, probe as far as I can into my sub conscious thoughts.
Still, no satisfactory answer.

Anyway, for the past few weeks, I've been really horrid to a really close friend of mine. I don't know if it's my defense mechanism coming out to play, or whatever. She felt the difference in the way i spoke, my actions and the impatience I've been showing her. I know, I'm horrible. But deep inside, I know, this particular friend of mine, she's a keeper. She's a gem, she's precious.
Every single time I show my stupid attitude towards her, I will go home and feel bad about it the entire day. The worst thing is, she has never showed me any signs of impatience. She totally kept intact the loving side of her.

I've been thinking of Jacynda as well. It doesn't matter if somebody who knows what happened between me & her/ my family & her family reads this and scoffs. I've been feeling very regretful recently, and funny how this regret only kicked in a few years later. I am regretful of what our friendship could have been, but I am definitely not blaming myself for my thought processes at that point of time because I was being truthful to myself. We all have to grow up, make choices and learn from them. I do not think that my decision to leave the particular organization was wrong, neither was it right.
It wasn't wrong because everybody has the liberty to do whatever they want, it wasn't right because to a certain extend, by doing that, I am being a hypocrite, a liar, I was being someone who didn't know how to stick to what she believed in, I was constantly waivering.
But thought processes, as we are exposed to different circumstances in life, changes.
The friendship could have sustained something if I wasn't so cold at that point of time. It was so clear she was making effort, and I was just taking a backseat.
But I know, whatever it is, I have betrayed her trust. Not that I did anything wrong, I just did not live up to what she expected of me.
I'm not sorry for that, neither am i proud of it.

I told myself that this can't happen twice. I cannot let someone I treasure deeply make the effort while I enjoy the ride behind. So, I did what was necessary, talked things out and apologized.
The best thing was, I told her the entire chunk which I just typed. It warms my heart to understand that she understands, is so straightforward about the entire situation, and takes me as I am, even if I am not exactly the sweetest friend on Earth.

xxx

I secretly think blogging has the same effects as counting sheeps.
I feel tired already.
Or maybe it's just the time, LOL.
Sweet dreams, sweethearts <3