"Jacqueline Koh
Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting around for somebody to give you flowers"
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012 || 6:24 AM

I'm pretty well-acquainted with the dark corners of my mind; I am horribly selfish (to the extend where even something which I have done for the sole reason of pleasing myself and my wants have been pointed out, I still stand by it. I feel a pinch of guilt, but if you give me a chance to do it all over again, I'm sorry, I will still choose what I chose to do, even all of these is at the expense of you.) I am selfish, very selfish indeed. 

I put myself first before others, and when others do something gracious and if it is enough for me to feel any prick of shame, I reflect for a little while. But still, when it comes to making a decision again, I will ultimately, hopelessly still put myself before others. And acknowledging this doesn't mean that I will do anything different in the future, even though I hope I will learn to put others first. Other people's feelings, intentions, needs, expectations of me first. 

When someone does something in a particular manner, I will jump right to the end of the deck and draw out conclusions in my mind, and there is no one single breathing airspace of positivity. I assume the worst, even though I should know the person better to judge in that sense. In retrospect, probably how I judged was a reflection of myself. 

I always expect others to understand me; my hurtful words, my apathetic actions, my attitude. You will even dissect my thought processes, to give me all the freedom and choices I want, and go one mile further to understand why I do certain things (and even defend me, even when I did something hurtful and said I do not wish to say anything in my own defense...)

When you treat somebody like this, and when the person, time and time again doesn't give up on you (If i were you, I would have given up on me a long time ago), reminds you all the time that you are important, you know that the person loves you a great deal.

I can give you a thousand reasons why I don't deserve you, but somehow or rather, you keep coming back. And I hope with each struggle, I will be influenced by your love and be a little better.